Just another stereotypical house party. Beer cans litter the backyard lawn. A group of tipsy wannabe rappers spew improvised lyrics while huddled in an enclosed circle that doubles as a makeshift cypher. Small plastic ping pong balls sink into red plastic cups, carefully filled halfway with tap water. Most of the partygoers congregate to the kitchen where all the alcohol resides and where a lot of the party-favor distribution occurs.
Random hedonists fraternize around the kitchen table conversing over the rolling of various blunts about topics they won't even be able to remember the next morning. Guy #1 tells an inebriated joke and Girl #3 giggles obnoxiously. Guy #2 rambles incessantly through a bathroom door, as Girl #1 proceeds to vomit profusely into the toilet bowl of said bathroom. Guy #5 falls fast asleep on the living room couch with his shoes still on.
Events not too dissimilar to this is what transpired at a party I attended a couple Fridays back. At this same party I was preoccupied with an unnecessary thought, while steady sipping and spilling my lukewarm beer all over myself. I was preoccupied with the notion that I had to classify the various characteristics that could shed some light on the Modern Day Partyman and Woman alike. The four categories that I devised and drunkenly believed at the time were "totally appropriate" is the Moocher, the Biter, the Lurker, and the Brother.
The MOOCHER
Pretty self-explanatory huh? This is the dude or chick that we all know and greatly appreciate, and they might have actually been any one of us at some point in time just like any of these other categories that will follow. They're usually a person who comes to a gathering with the ulterior hopes of getting smoked out the whole night and/or to plunder any hidden cache of Pabst Blue Ribbon that may be stowed oh so securely away. This includes thieving off limits food from any pantry or fridge in the house. I noticed some dude strung out on coke through the kitchen window at the party I mentioned before. He poured himself a glass of milk, zapped it in the microwave, and continued to sip on it. I walked inside and asked him why he was drinking warm milk. He replied, "It's a natural laxative." A sub-group of the MOOCHER is the LOOTER, a person who loots valuable items from the home of a house party for any sordid reason.
The BITER
The BITER is the most pugnacious one out of all the categories. They're the person who probably got way too shit-faced and decided to rile up any one imaginable at a party. Their confrontational attitude can be the result of a shit day or just a shit life in general, or it could be because a girl or guy at the party didn't return the favor after their attempts to hit on them. Their goal is usually to make enemies of the entire party and/or draw blood while getting knocked around a little bit themselves. The first and maybe unrelated stage of a BITER is the BARKER who yaps away verbally assaulting anyone in their wake, like a chihuahua with an inferiority complex.
The LURKER
Hide your significant others and loved ones, there's a LURKER on the prowl. A dog without a chain. They're the lewd soul who's sole purpose is to score any bit of tail by any means in the short amount of time that is a party. Corny pick-up lines, vulgar gestures, and the handing out of as much shots as possible to loosen up the sexual prospects. In my experience men mostly fall under this category, but of course women are by all means not exempt from this categorization. Most of them are possibly future date rapists in training.
The BROTHER
The BROTHER and/or the SISTER is the most genuine person EVER out of this hedonistic bunch. They are your aspiring best friend for the night. They tend to be a person who you've probably just met that night who has high hopes of being your friend in real life. They bring gifts of alcohol or tobacco in hopes that they will earn your favor, sticking to you like glue more than even a LURKER. Not necessary a bad thing because they laugh at your not funny jokes and don't mind if your an intoxicated mess. Just like the BITER, the BROTHER is usually a guy who is possibly at the party by himself trying to socially network. Just like the BITER it isn't necessarily just guys, but women are seldom SISTERS to one each other due to reasons you're probably already familiar with.
So what will you do with all this frivolous information? Maybe next time you can use this guide to see if it matches all the drunken participators at your local shindig. You could also use it to compare and contrast in retrospect the differences between parties now and the eloquent cocaine parties of the 80's, seeing how much more we've deteriorated as a species in such a small amount of time.
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